My Beard
The Mysteries Of The Universe Unveiled: Beard Oil.

The Mysteries Of The Universe Unveiled: Beard Oil.

I discovered something that may turn the beard oil industry against me: Hask hair oils.

Disclaimer: I don’t work for Hask or anybody associated with them or their distributors or their mothers or anything at all having anything to do with them.

Hask Argan Vial

As a man with a beard, I have spent just a hair-more-than-zero-time thinking about how to take care of my beard. I mean it just grows on its own, that part is easy, in the first two or three weeks all it really requires is some pruning and trimming and simple caretaking. But once it starts getting longer than a month’s worth of growth, it is imperative to take care for it unless you’re hoping Mugatu picks you for a rerun of his Derelict campaign. I avoided this reality and lived with a rough, wooly beard for a few years now.

I finally decided beard care wasn’t a vanity thing. I broke down and entered the great big mysterious world of beard oil, a world chock-full of slick (get it?) marketing aimed to get my hard earned dollars in exchange for their magic elixir that is guaranteed to make my beard more awesome than it has ever been before. It’s already pretty awesome, which is why I put off buying any for all these years. What changed?

Honestly? I was sucked in by a very simple marketing campaign by this group of Nordic manly men:

They have a cool site and sell cool things. I ordered their made-in-Iceland beard oil and loved it. It was expensive, came in an awesome aluminum bottle, and was really really good. Not only did it smell amazing, like a combination of tree-chopping and elk-hunting and boat-rowing, but it did an incredible job on my beard. I was pretty bummed when it started to run out. Now I’m holding on to those last few drops like they’ll save my life at some point.

While slumming at Walmart the other day, picking up the cheapest but most expensive-looking toy I could find for a birthday that my son Erik was headed to, I took a stroll through the hair care aisle. There’s nothing there for men, at first glance, but I did see a little tiny bottle of “Argan oil from Morocco” for less than $3. I had no idea what Argan oil was, but thought for $3 if it doesn’t work or smells bad I can just pawn it off on the wife. BTW am I supposed to capitalize argan?

It’s fantastic stuff. It smells great, not manly like that Icelandic Oil Squeezed From Freshly Caught Lava, but just slightly scented.  I can’t describe the scent, I have nothing to compare it to in my memory bank of smells. My wife loves it even more than the Iceland Oil of Man. It might be better than that Icelandic beard oil, I can’t definitely prove it is or isn’t. I do know it’s 1/10th the cost, so even if it isn’t scientifically better, it is cheaper. So no more spending big bucks on this beard, no sir. Whatever cheap plant this argan oil comes from is just fine by me and my beard.

The next time the wife dragged me to WalMart (toilet paper and paper towels, this time) I picked up the other oils in their lineup. Now I rotate through the whole pile, and my beard feels and looks amazing. My wife squeezes me and says I smell like vacation.

Hey Hask, all you need to do is come up with a manly looking bottle and a whole new world of profits await.

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